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It’s Time to Heal

Amy's Love Notes

September 10, 2024

This is one that’s hard to write. One that gives me a lump in my throat when I think about it. 

This month, we settled on a theme of body positivity, so all of September I am going to be diving deep into this topic, and when I say topic, I mean all my personal issues and trauma surrounding my body image. And I want to open the conversation up in a safe way, by showing my vulnerability first.

I was 7 when I first started feeling uncomfortable with my body, when my Dad, who I only saw on holidays and summer breaks, decided to let me know I had gained weight since he last saw me. I still remember how disappointed he looked at me when he said it. I was so little and so defenseless against an adult who, should have built me up and loved me unconditionally, judged my body. 

When I was 11, this same man bought me gas station weight loss pills and praised me when I only ate once a day and lost weight. I can’t quite articulate how detrimental these experiences were to myself worth and self-confidence. As a little girl you are looking for your father to tell you how beautiful you are, and not how you don’t measure up. It’s something you just don’t heal from. 

By 12, I had my first big crush, a boy I sat beside of in 5th grade. We laughed and made jokes and hung out together. I thought maybe there was a chance he liked me too. Until another kid asked him and he said, “I would like her, but she’s too chubby for me.” What a blow. 

Fast forward to my first love. By this point I had so internalized the narrative that my body was ugly, and I wasn’t good enough. So much so, that I let him say things like “if you just did some sit ups, you would lose your belly” and “you should think about a boob job.” I my lack of self-worth and confidence left me unarmed. 

As I have gotten older, I remember these events so vividly, with the same emotions of pain, but also something more, something I wish I had at the time- anger. I’m angry that someone thought they had the right to tell me I wasn’t good enough, that they thought they had the right to judge MY BODY. I’m angry that I was attacked when I was trusting and vulnerable. I’m angry that the people that should have valued me, made me feel worthless. And I wish I could do nothing more than defend that little girl, because I would, fiercely.

I am not writing this for sympathy or encouragement. I am writing this so we can open up and get over this, to come to terms with the bullshit people put on us, and maybe finally heal from it. I don’t know about you but am tired.

I’m sharing pieces of my story so maybe you can take a look at yours and get angry too. And in that anger, we move forward towards loving ourselves boldly and unapologetically knowing that we possess a beauty that they can’t comprehend. 
With so much Love, 
XO- Amy

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